Jokes   This rabit is running along when he comes across a giraffe rolling a fat joint. He goes over to the Giraffe and says "You don't wanna do that, it's bad for you, why don't you come for a run with me?" "I suppose you're right", says the Giraffe, and they go off running together. A short while later they come across a snake. The snake is making a line of coke and is just about to snort it when the rabbit says "You don't wanna do that, it's not good for you. Come for a run with me." The snake looks at the coke in front of him and agrees with him. So the three of them set off running (The snake is obviously not running but slithering next to them) After a while they come across a lion. The lionis hot-spooning heroin. The rabbit says "You definately don't want to do that. It's lowest of the low. Come running with us." At this point the lion jumps up and beats the shit out of the rabbit. The giraffe and snake are appaled by this attack, and ask him why the fuck he did that. The lion replied, "Every time that cunt is on Ecstacy he wants me to run with him!!!" A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers. In fact, it looks like he's got his dick stuck through the center of it. The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your dick stuck in a steering wheel!" The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know; drives me nuts!!"   This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. "Where is he?" he shouts. "Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?" "I don't know what you're talking about" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. "Aha!" he thinks, "That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife." He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.   So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home eartly from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter says "You don't belong here; go to Hell." He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.   A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me." St. Peter wags his finger and says "I heard about you... you go to Hell too." He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.   A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."   A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"   "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."   "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'   "Twenty-six."      A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.   The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."   The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."   The indignant, snippy lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Indiana and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."   The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule."   The lawyer asked, "What is the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule?"   The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."   The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.   The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,   "Okay you old coot, now it's my turn."   The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."   Two guys were out fishing, and one of them pulls a foot-long disposable lighter out to light his cigarette. His friend says, Where did you get that enormous lighter? and the guy replies, Why, from my genie. The friend says, You have a genie? Can i use him? The guys says, Sure, and he summons his genie. The friend says to the genie, Genie, I would like a million bucks. The genie waves his hands, and suddenly the sky darkens, and a million ducks go flying overhead. The first guy says, Oh I forgot to tell you--the genie is a little hard of hearing. You don't think I asked for a 12-inch BIC, do you?"   President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with really big tits. The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with really big tits? Why kill a blonde with really big tits? Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would give a fuck about the 20 million Iraqis!"       A drunk walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I wan't to rip your shirt off and suck on your boobies".   The woman points across the bar and says, "See that big, hulking guy over there, he's my boyfriend and if you don't leave be alone, I'm gonna get him to beat the crap out of you".   The drunk slinks away but soon musters the courage to try again, saying to the woman, "I want to take off your pants and lick your a$$".   Again, the woman says, "I'm not kidding, leave me alone or I'll get my boyfriend to kick the living snot out of you".   The drunk however is not deterred and whispers to the woman, "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pu$$y full of whiskey, and drink you dry".   In a rage, the woman crosses the bar to speak to her boyfriend. "See that drunk over there, he said we would rip my shirt off and suck on my boobies!".   The boyfriend stands up and says, "I'll kill him".   The woman goes on, "He also said he would take off my pants and lick my a$$".   The boyfriend turns red with rage and starts to cross the bar, but the woman holds him back and finishes the tale, "He then said we would flip me upside down, fill my pu$$y with whiskey and drink me dry"!   Suddenly the boyfriend turns pale and sits down. The girlfriend says, "What's the matter, aren't you going to kick the snot out of him?"   The boyfriend replies, "Anyone who can drink that much whiskey is too tough for me!"   An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer.   A fly lands in the Englishman's beer, and he just pushes the beer away and refuses to drink it.   The fly then lands in the Scotsman's beer. He just picks the fly out, and continues to drink his beer.   The fly lands in the Irishman's beer. The Irishman picks the fly out of the beer and begins to shake it violently over his cup and shouts, "Spit it out, you bastard!" Two men were having a conversation. One man said "I bought my wife a necklace and a scarf for her birthday, in case she didn't like the necklace, she could cover it over with the scarf. The other man said "I bought my wife a book and a vibrator for her birthday". The other man asked "Why buy her a vibrator as well?". The man replied "I told her that if she didn't like the book, then she could go and f*ck herself". A wife approaches her husband and tells him she's going to spend $5000 to have her breasts enlarged. The husband looks at her and replies, "I have a better approach that won't cost us any money. All you need to do is take some tissue paper, and rub it between your breasts once a day. Within a few years, your breasts should be twice their original size." The wife gives her husband a puzzled look and asks, "Why do you think this technique will work?" The husband replies, "Well, look at what it's done for your ass over the past few years". A prostitute is lying in bed between tricks studying a dictionary. A koala bear enters through the window and performs oral sex on her. When the koala turns to depart, the prostitue says, "Hey, wait a minute." The koala looks at her, puzzled. "I'm a prostitute." says the prostitute. Still, the koala appears clueless. The prostitute turns to the entry for prostitute in the dictionary. The koala reads, "Prostitute: Person who engaged in sex for money." The koala then takes the dictionary, turns to the entry for "koala" and hands it to the prostitue, who reads: "Koala: Australian marsupial that eats bushes and leaves." A man walks into a bank, goes up to a lady teller and says, "I'd like to open an account in your damn bank". The woman blinks and asks him if he'd like help, so the guy says "I told you I want to open an account in your damn bank" She says "hold on, I'll get the bank manager". A couple minutes later the bank manager comes in and asks the guy "what seems to b the problem, here?". The guy looks at the bank manager and says,"I just won $10 million dollars in the lottery and I want to open a fvcking account in your damn bank!". The bank manager says, "Is this b!tch giving you a hard time?" Q:How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:That's not funny. A cat limps into a saloon in the Old West & jumps up on a barstool. The bartender glares at him & asks, "What do yew want?" The cat glares back & answers, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw." A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours." The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one." The first guy replies, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too! I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed beeyotch.' A man walks into a watchmakers and asks the guy behind the counter, "excuse me, you wouldn't by any chance have any potato clocks to sell?" the guy behind the counter says, with a confused look on his face, "Sorry, I don't think I've ever heard of a potato clock before. What is it?" to which the customer replies, "I have no idea either, but I start a new job today and in the interview my boss told me that I start at nine, so I'd better get a potato clock" A mom and dad were caught having sex on the couch by their little girl. The daughter asked mommy what she was doing and the mommy said that they were baking a cake. Days pass and the little girl walks up to the mommy and asked, "were you and daddy making a cake last night?" and the mommy asked, "yes, why" and the daughter said, "I just licked the frosting off the couch" Whats the difference between you dick and your bonus? A woman will ALWAYS blow your bonus. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Dave with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!", says Dave, "When are you going out?" "Well, I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible.", says Dave. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face." Scooby Doo There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!'' Hired Help A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, ''Who is this?'' ''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man. The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.'' The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' The maid says, ''What will I have to do?'' The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?'' The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.'' A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''   The Lady and the Facelift A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her knickers.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''   Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."   How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Banana.   Three Girls Go Camping One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in." Things to do in toilets 1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, ''May I borrow a highlighter?'' 2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before.'' 5. ''Damn, this water is cold.'' 6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a shoe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 7. ''Now how did that get there?'' 8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.'' 9. Fill up a large flask with lemonade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling,' Whoa! Easy boy!!'' 10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters'' 11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say,' Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" 12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot'' 14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'' 15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 16. Before you unroll toilet paper, lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, ''Peek-a-boo!'' 18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''   Confucious say... ...woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam. ...man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts. ...man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off. ...boy who lay girl on hill, not on level. ...man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key! ...he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed. ...he who smoke pot, choke on handle. ...woman who wear g-string, high on crack! ...he who stand on toilet, high on pot! ...boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with        solution on-hand! ...girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss! ...man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs! ...man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money! ...he who masturbate, screw only himself! ...he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok! ...dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs! Below are a list of rules the women should know. After all, guys are supposed to remember stuff like the day we got married - c'mon - it's only fair! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 3. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 5. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 6. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 9. Check your oil! Please. You always know when you're out of food to cook. 10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 12. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 15. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and neither do we. 16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 17. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is. 18. If it itches, it will be scratched. 19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really 21. You have enough clothes. 22. You have too many shoes. 23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway). 24. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. 25. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for? The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again. So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog. The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender. The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her. His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table. The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?" The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the fuck outta here." Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box." Shave that Cowboy A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you." Screwed to death? A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber." The Hypnotist It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theater. This boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blow job?" "What? You're crazy???!!!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem." "No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..." "At this time of the night no one will show up.." "I've already said NO, and NO!" "Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.." "NO!!! I've said NO!!!" "My love.. don't be like that.." At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blow job himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!" Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A. Ask your mother. Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.' Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.. An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted. "To get straight to the point,I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity,but I was wondering if you would help me." "Of course," she smiled. "I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while." The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence,and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis. One day,the woman went to the bench,but the man was not there.Feeling hurt,she looked around for him. To her amazement,she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis! "What does SHE have that I dont?" She screeched. He looked up at her and smiled. "Parkinsons," he replied. Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job. Q: What's better than winning the gold medal at the special olympics? A: Not being retarded! MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES: 1. Juggling Knives is Easy 2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven 3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things 4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want 5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase 6. 101 Games to Play in the Road 7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher 8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork 9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games 10. Arthur Gets Hunted 11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi 12. Monsters Killed Grandpa 13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom 14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul 15. All Guns Squirt Water 16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street 17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite 18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain 19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish 20. 101 recipies to make with Dog 21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree 22. The New Boy is Bad 23. Your Nightmares are real 24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs 25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis 26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender 27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious..... 28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption 29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap 30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower 31. Grampa Gets A Casket 32. Dad's New Wife Robert 33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator Tommy Cooper Jokes Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books. And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.' So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you. "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start" So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' "I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids..." Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The Other one says "so are you, you fat b*stard" A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.' So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'" So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' A prostitute is recently diagnosed with heart trouble but decides to go to "work" anyway. She is approached by a potential customer and tells him, "It's gonna be 50 dollars, but I have to tell I have acute angina." He replies, "Well I hope so, because your face is kind of ugly." These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. How to Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Tweeze hairs. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. How to Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (you don't) Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.   Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it. A bloke walks into a bank and says to the clerk "i want to open a fucking account", the clerk replies "excuse me sir?" the bloke says "are you fucking deaf? i said i want to open a pissing account you cunt" by this time the clerk is disgusted with the laguage used and says "Sorry sire but using language like that will not get you anything" the bloke already pissed off says "let me talk to the fucking manager NOW!" The manager comes out and says "yes sir? what seems to be the problem?" the bloke replies "I just won £20 million on the shitting lottery and i want to open a fucking account!" The manager says "what?.........And this bitch has been giving you problems?!!!!"   A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead." Q: Why do tampons have strings? A. So you can floss after eating. Q: Why do girls wear make-up and perfume? A: Because they're ugly and they stink  Q:  Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's  in his name?  A:  Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar. An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury... u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we have a bit of a problem with your husband." wife.. "What's wrong?" u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When rigor mortis sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and, basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin." wife.. "Well, what can you do?" u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than standard but it will cost you an extra $500." wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little less expensive?" The undertaker thinks for a second, then suggests.. u/t.. "We could remove his penis." wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around." u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum." wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body immediately before the funeral." u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral." Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time. She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear.. "Bloody hurts, doesn't it?" Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." A Red Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around. 'Son number one - you shall be known - ....' Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?' Chief replies - 'I will come to you in turn my son'. The chief continues: 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle' Son number one asks why. 'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree.' The peace pipe is passed to son number two. Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?' Chief replies - 'I will come to you in turn my son'. The chief continues: 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.' Son number two asks why. Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?' Chief replies - 'I will come to in turn my son'. The chief continues talking to son number two: 'As you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.' The chief turns to the third son - 'Son number Three - you shall be known as Thrush' Son No. three asks 'Why Thrush?' 'Because my son you are an irritating cunt - the elders agree'. This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town. 'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies,'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'. The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking manager of this b*stard place?' 'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'. 'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?' 'Pardon?' says the manager. 'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your c*nting piano.' 'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?' 'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. 'That's superb. What's it called?' 'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My Dick,' replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. 'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?' 'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls Caught In The Soap Drawer'. The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager. 'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin. The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that b*stard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?' 'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.' A man is sitting at home with his wife and son. The baby sits in his crib with the biggest smile you've ever seen. The woman says "aw, isn't that cute?". The man replies " I'd be smiling like that if I could sit on my ass and suck your tits all day whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?    a prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again!! A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a leafy country lane. They walk hand in hand and, as they stroll, the young man's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when the young woman says, I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to have a piss? Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a hedge, She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight white panties sliding down voluptuous legs and he imagines what loveliness is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and touches her smooth, bare leg. He gently brings his hand further up to her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He Gasps in horror, "My God Mary you changed your sex!??"."No", she replies," I've changed my mind, I'm having a sh@t instead." One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. "The husband, disappointed, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment? It's Christmas time and Darth Vader says to Luke "I know what you've got for Christmas". Luke replies "how's that then Darth". Darth Vader replies, "I felt your presents". A bloke walks into a bar and slips up on some dog shit. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. Another bloke walks into the bar and he also slips up on the dog turd. He reaches the bar where the first man is who says "I did that". The second man replies "You dirty git". Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Fuck off!" A man walks into a bar and sees a dog licking its balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "I wish I could do that." The bartender replies, "Give him a biscuit and he might let you." Q: How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A: Phone her. 4 Muslims have been found dead in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool. Security Forces have revealed they were suicide bummers...... Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A woman that won't do what she's told. Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it. Q: Why was the blonde staring at the Orange Juice container? A: Because it said "concentrate". Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A: A new last name. Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ? A: A quarter-pounder with cheese. Q: Why do women have tits? A: So men will talk to them. Q: What do you call the excess piece of skin around a vagina? A: A woman Q: What's the difference between a remote control and a woman's clit? A: A man will spend 30 minutes looking for the remote. Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur? A: A Megasoreass. Q: Why do men fart more than women? A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Q: Whats long thin and full of semen? A: A submarine! Q: What got loads of balls and screws grannys? A: Bingo. Q: Why is the space between a womens tits and her fanny called a waist ? A: Because you could have put another pair of tits there !! Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body,withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns,sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!" A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch. A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring............ "You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen." Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it. Twisted Disney..... Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "Peter Peter the pumpkin eater!" PMS Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me? T H E "F" - W O R D S T Y L E G U I D E Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language,"fuck falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective(Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: 1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now." 5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!" 6. Disgust "Fuck me." 7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?" 8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!" 9. Despair "Fucked again..." 10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" 12. Lost "Where the fuck are we." 13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" 14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" 15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it." 16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it." 17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" 18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" 20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." 21. Directions "Fuck off." 22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?" It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal- "Motherfucker." It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!" It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic "That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn "It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!" Willard Scott "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." Walt Disney "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc "She wants how much fucking money?!?!?" Donald Trump A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He's all right, now. In fact, he's fully recovered. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Nitrous Oxide during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?" The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands". The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you..". The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration." The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar". One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool." "Well where is it?" inquired the chimp. "I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly. "Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp. "Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!" "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." !! This psychiatrist is doing his rounds of his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?" The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?" The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goerring." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet of raw grains, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a: "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis." Indian Medical Exam An American Indian male went to the Doctors office for his appointment to have a Physical Exam. The Doctor came in and proceeded with it and then said, "Well, you'll need to take your shirt off, so I can listen to your lungs and heart." This the Indian did and the Doctor noticed and made mention and note of the interesting fact that the Indian had no nipples. He questioned the Indian, "Is this an inherited trait?" The reply was, "Yes, I believe so." "So, there others like you in your family?" "Well, actually, yes." "How many other family members are nippleless?" The Indian's response was, "There are a whole Tribe of us!" "No, I meant how many in your Tribe have this trait?" "There are 500 of us!" Well, the Doctor was astounded, but tried to appear casual, so he asked, "What do you call yourselves?" The Indian replied, "The Indiannippleless 500!" Q: What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night? A: Paddy O'Furniture. The New Written Word New Official EU Language The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as Euro-English. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to be to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful, and it should go away. By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a unitd urop vil finali kum tru! A stoner called the fire department and said "Come quick my house is on fire!" The fireman asked "How do we get there?" The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!" A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."  A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the necessary equipment and goes to the nearest frozen ice. About 20 feet out he cuts a hole in the ice. "There's no fish there!" booms a voice. The stoner shrugs and moves out another 50 feet and starts to cut another hole. "There's no fish there either!" booms the voice. The stoner shouts, "Is that you God?" "No," says the voice, "I own the fucking ice rink!" Two rednecks are out hunting, when one of them suddenly collapses, his eyes roll back in his head. Keeping a cool head, his friend grabs the mobile phone and dials 911 "My buddie's collapsed, he's dead" cried the redneck "OK sir, keep calm, I can help you" said the rescue worker "The first thing is to make sure he really is dead" After a pause, the rescue worker hears a shot. "OK, what next?"   How do you keep a bunch of gays in suspense? Ba,dum-tsssss!